All of the child psychologists, sociologists, social workers, teachers, even policemen that I know or have ever heard of are screaming and hollering that our education problems, drug problems, crime problems, social problems, and probably even acne and athletes' foot, all stem from the disintegration of the family. So why don't people take heed and work harder at taking care of their families ? That's easy. Two reasons.

Number one.

Ignorance. Lots of folks raising kids today grew up in day care centers and/or sitting in front of televisions and have little or no idea how to raise kids. I know, I know. As soon as people find out that I don't have any kids of my own they just kick my soap box out from under me and leave. Ok, I don't have any kids, but I'm a world class uncle, yeah, i know, not the same as parenting.  Besides, I've been teaching your kids for forty years, and I have noticed some things, so give me a minute, ok?

Ever watch those who do stay home and raise their own kids ? Most of them I know go to a great deal of effort to see that the kids physical needs are met, but they park them in front of the Television from age two to age six and then send them to school. At two they are dying to help with the household chores and mowing the lawn and to join in family discussions, but its too much trouble to let them help so people make them go "play" so they can get the work done or the conversation finished. Then when the kid gets ten years old, has gotten tired of waiting to join the family, and already made a life of its own, all of a sudden it is expected to join the family and help out around the house, and what it does do it does reluctantly and quickly, so it can get back to its own little world. People need to be taught what their kids need to help them develop study skills, social skills, financial skills, responsibility, and a bunch of other things I don't even know about, how to teach them these skills, and when, and they need to be taught these skills before they have kids, so they know in advance what they are getting into when they have children. Which means they need to learn this stuff before they graduate from high school. To learn this stuff students should not only be told the what, how and when, they should also be required to practice these skills. Yep, boys too, in fact, especially boys. People have been yelling about the need for fathers to take a more active roll in child rearing since I was a kid, (had the wheel been invented yet?), and from my personal experience as an expert Uncle, the need has been understated.

To accommodate these requirements, I intend to place a competitively priced, run-for-profit day-care center in every high school in the country, (yeah, the destitute will be allowed to bring their kids for nothing, and in ghettos and such, the centers will be run at a loss, but I bet the drop in crime rate will offset the cost in less than five years). The people running these day-care centers will be well trained people certified in early childhood development, hand picked, topnotch, and, if I have my way, the highest paid teachers in the school system. Courses will be offered in child-rearing beginning in the seventh grade. Tenth grade courses in child-rearing will require two hours a week in the day-care center gaining experience taking care of the physical, mental and emotional needs of small children, feeding them, talking to them, holding them in ones laps and reading to them, playing games with them. Eleventh grade will require four hours a week in the day-care center and being taught the gory details of infant care, such as fixing bottles, changing diapers, watching for illnesses, and organizing games and educational activities for small groups of children. Twelfth graders will be required to spend a full day in the day care center once a month, and at least one full week before the year is out, to get a feel for the nonstop rigors of parenthood. Another thing that needs to be crammed into this program (if the religious crew doesn't shout me down on it) is a couple of courses on how to select a marriage partner. One more thing. No, these will not be required courses. I've taught required courses in high school, and all it takes is one or two people who really don't want to be there to ruin the whole class. So how am I going to get people to sign up for these really fun courses? You guessed it, Money ! Some of these laws are unfinished. They need specifics about physical requirements of the facilities, training and screening of instructors, and particulars of the curriculum. All that's going to have to come from some big deal Child Training Committee. I've hung around a kindergarten teacher long enough to know there is lots of good information about facilities and methods as well as a bunch of fine folks that know it. We'll have no problem rounding up plenty of experts to fill in the particulars. Here's:

Family Law #1.

Every public high school in the United States of America will have a day care center open to the public. Children in these day care centers will be used to train high-school students how to care for and raise children. Fees will be set locally.

Family Law #2.

Every public school system in the United States of America will offer courses in child-rearing to grades seven through twelve. Instructor requirements as well as syllabi for theses courses must adhere to federal guidelines.

Family Law #3.

People with a license to have kids get an automatic reduction in their income taxes. To get a license, one must either have completed at least the four year family training course in high school with an average grade of B or better or pass a test showing he or she at least knows how to raise kids. One gets a four percent reduction for the test, and a ten percent reduction for the four year high school course. This reduction is good for life, whether you ever have kids or not.

Number 2.

There is a quaint little tradition in America. Anything of value is worth money or public recognition and preferably both. Housewives or househusbands get neither. No social security benefits, other than that of a deceased spouse, no tax benefits, no nothing. Maybe we shouldn't have to pay people to develop quality families and maybe some day we won't have to but for the moment, we need something to get people's attention and focus on the importance of the family, and money gets people's attention. Hence,

Family Law #4.

Two parent families in which one parent stays home to take care of the kids will receive a two percent reduction in their federal income taxes. Moreover, the stay home parent will receive social security credit at the same level as local elementary school teachers, until their youngest child is sixteen years of age. (I don't know how big a chunk of money this is. We may have to require them to pay part of the amount of FICA.)  (2011 update:  This will probably need to be severely curtailed temporarily due to the current size of the national debt.)

This last bill is intended to cover a lot of territory. People take a greater interest in the government of their community, nation, and the Earth when they own a piece of it. I know some kids thrive on a traveling childhood. But most kids thrive best on a stable childhood in a single neighborhood. So although this might be more colorfully labeled the WAR AGAINST HOMELESSNESS BILL, or WAR AGAINST APATHY BILL, or ENVIRONMENT BILL #1, here is

Family law #5.

Parents (and kids), are allowed to place money into savings for each of their children tax free toward the building or buying of a house. The money may be put into a savings account, mutual fund, stocks and bonds or whatever, and even switched from one account to another. However, the money and its dividends must be used to buy a house, (or the parts to build one), for the child in whose name the account was opened when it is taken out, and that kid must live in the house for at least two years in order to prevent being taxed upon that money when it is taken out of savings. If the child dies before leaving home, the money can be transferred to another child's account of the parents choosing, but if the parents reclaim the money themselves, it will be taxed.